A few weeks ago I wrote about “Starbursts, M&Ms, and the Differences That Define Us,” where I celebrated our differences. I ended the blog with this quote:
You are you, and there is nobody else like you. Rest in the fact that God designed you to be you. Step up. Step out. Be different. Love every moment of it. And love all the amazing, beautiful, different, unique people around you the same way you hope they’ll love you.
If you haven’t read that blog yet, go give it a read. I still stand by everything I said in it! However, after I wrote that I had a friend message me and start talking to me about the flip side of the coin, and I also agree with what he said, so I want to talk about it as well.
The whole point of the original “Starbursts and M&Ms” post was to celebrate the fact that our differences are what make us who we are. We have different gifts and talents, different perspectives and outlooks, different likes and dislikes, different passions and disdains, and those things are what separate us from each other and give each of us our unique flavor. Those things should be celebrated, not things to take shame in.
The flip side of the coin is this: While we do have differences that should be celebrated, we also have incredible commonalities that we should find comfort and hope in as well!
Working in a church often gets me one of two reactions from people, but both are rooted in the same thing. The first reaction is that people don’t want to open up to me because they think I “have it all together.” They think that since I work in a church, that must mean my life is perfect, I’m the epitome of moral uprightness, and I would only be appalled if they opened up to me about some of the things going on in their life or some of the thoughts rolling around in their head. The second reaction is that people do open up, and they are often ashamed of themselves — though, they may use different words.
Both of these reactions stem from the same thing: we have a tendency to glamorize the people around us and demonize ourselves. When we see somebody in a place that would normally be considered successful, we immediately assume they have things in their life prioritized and together and all the loose ends tied up. When we see somebody in church in their Sunday best, we tend to carry that image to the fullest extent, assuming that their Sunday best is their everyday normal. And when we fail to live up to the self-imposed standard, we crush ourselves. We point out every mistake, every shortcoming, every moment of weakness, and we compare our every day weaknesses to our misguided view of everybody else’s success — a success that doesn’t really exist.
That is the flip side of the coin. Yes, our differences should be celebrated, but we should also realize that we all have our humanity in common. We all deal with brokenness. We all deal with insecurities. When you look at somebody who seems to have it all together, there’s a very solid chance they don’t. They’re looking at somebody else the same exact way, wishing they could do better, just like you.
So, what does this mean? On a practical level, what can you do with this? Well, for one, stop looking at yourself as if you’re somehow inferior because you have bad days (or bad weeks, or bad months). A person’s social media image isn’t their real every day life, so stop comparing your life to their Instagram. This is real life, and those of us who live in it know that life gets hard.
That leads me to the second thing we can do, which is to be there for people when they’re in those tough seasons. When you’re in a season of doubt or insecurity or whatever kind of brokenness you may experience, what do you need in that time? you need somebody to be there for you! You need somebody to listen to you, to give you a shoulder to cry on, to urge you to keep pushing through, to give you some advice or a helping hand. Be that same person for others! Be the confidant you wish you had.
Finally, you can allow yourself to open up to others. Realize that because we all go through hardship, we can all generally relate when we have a friend going through hardship. I’m not saying you should incessantly harp on the negative and never come to a place where you’re ready to get help, get up, and move on. If you always complain and never position yourself for growth, people will stop listening pretty quickly. However, you can’t let insecurity stop you from opening up to people when you have a genuine desire to get better. Your fear of their disapproval is often just that — fear. A good friend will be able to sympathize more than you realize. Why? Because they’ve been there too. We all have.
I hope this helps somebody out. If so, let me know! I would love to hear your story. And I’d like to thank my friend Jason for prompting me to think about the flip side of the coin.
The Endeavor 